I wrote this on the 31st July and have thought about whether or not to post it. I’ve decided I shall. I’ve left the post as it is so when it says ‘today’, it refers to the day I wrote it…
“This morning I did an at-home blood glucose test and realised it’s time to make a change. (Trigger warning: depression, weight loss/body image)
During my first year at uni – in fact particularly during the second half of that year – I found myself feeling particularly depressed. I take Citalopram for depression anyway but with medication and my own coping mechanisms I manage usually to remain on an even keel. However, from about February, up until the end of the academic year, I stopped doing things I enjoyed, like exercising and reading; my motivation was at rock bottom and I was missing about 50% of my lectures. I spent most of my time laying in bed, watching Netflix and eating cookies, or just sleeping the day away. I couldn’t be bothered to cook most evenings so I bought reduced microwave meals from the M&S garage down the road.
‘But you ran a 10k!’ – yes, I did, which I signed up for at the end of March, thinking that a big goal like that would help me get back on track. To be perfectly honest, it didn’t. I did the 10k and I loved it and was so proud of myself, but before I arrived in London that day, I was totally unprepared! The only thing more powerful than the voice in my head telling me to give up and call it off was the voice telling me what a loser I’d look, having hyped it up and written about it, only to chicken out. Fake it ’til you make it actually worked on this occasion I guess.
Since I’ve been home, I’ve been in a much better place. I’m working full time again and while that’s tiring, I really do love my job and it gets me out of the house five days a week which can only be a good thing. Having found out on the 11th July that I did actually pass my first year at uni, I’m feeling much more confident about going back. (Yes, dropping out did cross my mind back in June). But the effects of those sedentary few months and the comfort eating that came with it have stuck around.
Those who have known me for a few years will know that I’ve always been slim. Since the beginning of this year, I estimate to have gained about 2 stone. (Estimate because I don’t weigh myself very often and don’t know exactly how much I weighed a year ago, but I can make a good guess.)
Now please, please don’t misunderstand me. There is nothing wrong with gaining weight or being the weight or size or figure that I am right now. I don’t look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see. Nor should I! My personal issue is that after being a certain way for the first 21 years of my life, and then for that to change in the space of 6 months without me really noticing until now is weird for me. My body now is not what I’m used to. And I’d like to go back to what I’m used to. Basically, I don’t feel like me. I hope that makes sense.
From a health point of view, most of the weight I’ve gained appears to be visceral fat – the kind that manifests around the abdominal cavity and therefore surrounds important internal organs such as the liver and pancreas. This type of fat is also linked to insulin resistance, which can be a precursor to Type 2 Diabetes. This is where that blood test comes in. I’d been doing some idle reading and research on this area and knew that it was possible to buy an at-home one-time blood glucose testing kit (which is NOT a diagnostic tool!) and figured I’d have a go. My blood glucose level is sitting somewhere around 110 mg/dl (milligrams per deciletre). Normal levels are considered to be below 100mg/dl and 100-125mg/dl is considered pre-diabetic. While this is all super interesting and possibly a bit concerning, I am obviously not a doctor (or a pharmacist, yet!) and I’m definitely not in the business of self diagnosing. The instructions in the kit suggest that if your blood-glucose is above or below the normal range, that you repeat the test in 10 days time and if the result remains the same then you visit your GP for proper diagnostic testing.
I’ve been telling myself for a few weeks that I should change my diet but because my weight wasn’t bothering me that much, I’ve put it off and procrastinated. Until this morning, when I realised I could really be putting my health at risk by not taking action against my poor diet.
I’m writing this so publicly, partly because writing at all helps me to process and – as with the Vitality 10k earlier this year – I’d like to hold myself accountable, which I struggle with unless I feel like I’m accountable to someone else.
This blog, when I created it, was all about sharing my journey with people I love and people who don’t know me at all. This part of my journey is about self-care, self-love and the desire to be the healthiest version of myself.
In a future post I will write about some of the specific goals I have set myself and the way I’m going to achieve them. Plus, look out for an unrelated but exciting announcement coming soon..!
Much love xx
(Disclaimer: Most of my research has been from Dr Michael Mosley’s literature and from Diabetes UK. Please don’t take my word as fact and if you’re worried about your own health, go and see a pharmacist or your GP.)”